Happy
by NightingaleBlooms
Summary: Riley didn't know when exactly it started, all she knew was that it just hit her. Rileycentric.


Hey guys, this my first story ever. Very Riley-centric. I don't own gmw but absolutely love it

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There are so many things that can make you happy. Don't focus too much on the things that make you sad.

H is for helpless.

Definition: The inability to defend one's self or to act without help

Riley didn't know when exactly it started, all she knew was that it just hit her. Maybe it was an accumulative thing, slowly building up until she could not not notice it or maybe it was a sudden thing that just made her feel all these things that she could not explain. All she knew was there was this heaviness in her being. As if something was crushing her on the insides. She felt heavy and she didn't know what to do about it. She didn't even know how to describe fully what she was experiencing maybe that's why she hasn't told her parents or her friends. She didn't want them to worry unnecessarily so she kept quiet. She knew it was wrong and she knew she promised Farkle once upon a time ago that friends do not keep secrets and that she will always have someone there for her. There were plenty of times that she wanted to speak up and tell her friends and family what was on her mind but something always stopped her. Maybe it was the fact that everyone is finally in a good place. Maya was smiling brighter, her parents finally seemed to cool down and everything was okay. But it wasn't, not for her.

It was at this point that she felt like the biggest hypocrite in her world. She was the girl who would be there in a heartbeat for the people she cared about and will get mad if they don't ask for help if they needed it. Her reasoning became more and more flawed over time; there was no right time, tomorrow I will, don't ruin their moments. She was making excuses. She could see herself building glass walls, she could see the people she care about giving each other looks as if they were trying to figure something out. That something was off about her. So she smiled the biggest smile she could muster. She pretended to be dizzy and cute and she held in and boarded whatever was bothering her. There were moments where she thought of Pluto and how far away she was from that person that always believed. She felt hopelessly and utterly helpless.

A is for anger

Definition: feelings of displeasure, annoyance or hostility.

It was meant to be a joke. Shared among friends, ribbing one another about the quirks they had or those moments that you are suppose to look back and laugh. But she felt as if she was being attacked. No one saw it coming not even her. It started with her doing homework with her friends at Topanga and Zay quickly convincing them that they need a break from maths before going to their respective sciences. Riley and Farkle were the only ones that were taking the terrible three; biology, chemistry and physics. The rest opted to choose one or two only. Riley who had been doing more curricular activities than the rest decided to just a read a paragraph from her biology textbook when Zay noticed.

"Come on Riles, stop being Ms Goody-two-shoes for a while and hang out woth us mere mortals," Zay teased. She knew he was joking. There was an affectionate tone in his voice but that did nothing to the surge of irritation she felt. Especially when Maya and Lucas laughed and even Farkle cracked a smile. She felt something snap.

"Well some people want to succeed in life," Riley shot back and bit his head off. The silence and stares that followed was unbearable as she realised what she had said to Zay. Zay who had never uttered a bad thing to her, who made her laugh more than anyone. Her anger quickly turned into horror, horror at what she had said, at what kind of person she was becoming.

"I...I'm sorry," she whispered before bolting out the door. She ran past the familiar landmarks and scenery. It was only when she was at her room did she realise how dumb she was to run to the first place they will try to find her.

She didn't have time to leave so she ran to her closet and buried herself under the closets and waited. Her bay window opened and she heard her name being called out. She kept quiet. Think of sheeps and horses and unicorns. One, two, three. Stop. Repeat. She didn't know how long she stayed there in the dark. But it was long enough for them to leave, long enough for the day to turn to twilight to night. Long enough until the moment she woke up it was a new day. The anger scared her. But more than anything the impulse that followed it. She could not afford to abandon any rational thoughts. She needs to stay together. The game plan would be apologise, blame it on a stressful day, week heck month even. No one needs to know. Not yet anyway.

P is for preoccupied.

Definition: To be dominated, engrossed, obssesed with a matter to the extend of exclusion of thoughts.

She didn't expect for her outburst to be taken lightly but damn it she will do whatever it takes to make her friends let go of it. Because she needs that from them. The next time she met her friends she apologised with cupcakes, gave a big smile, big hugs, told them they caught her at a wrong moment and that she was a little tired because of her activities. And she was just a little tensed up due to all the deadlines that she has to meet. They accepted reluctantly and for the next few weeks she buried herself in work, school, cheerleading.

"We barely seen you in the past few weeks," Maya said quietly when she gave another excuse as to why she could not hang out with them.

"I, I know," Riley replied just as quiet, "I'll figure something out."

She left Maya at the lockers before bounding to the school newspaper meeting. Shake it off. You have a story to cover. Anything to keep her mind off the fact that she knows something is off and now her friends might think so too. She didn't want them to figure out so it is best to avoid it, them until she can figure it out herself. She was suppose to be the fixer not them. So what if she started running and exploring places and talking to new people. It wasn't all bad. It kept her busy and exhausted her. She almost always fell asleep with her family and friends. There was nothing wrong with keeping busy.

P is for pain

Definition: suffering, distress, unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury

She twisted her ankle during cheer practice. The doctor told she will be out for four weeks and told her to take it easy. The amount she was doing wasn't healthy. She kept quiet as her doctor explained to her parents and friends about her injury. She had finally made leaps of improvement in cheerleading and the coach finally allowed her to come front center instead of being at the background only for it to be ruined by half a beat too late. She felt it coming it bigger strides than ever like a dam that was breaking. Her friends tried to console her with movies popcorn and endless entertainment. She barely gave a passable smile.

She was now in her room which she barely had been in for the past weeks. Her bay window was barely maintain, it looked clean most probably her mother most but it didn't have the same inviting and appealing look it once had. Was the magic gone? A sound came out of her. And she willed herself to be silent. She will not break and she will not cry. Everybody has to grow up and growing up means letting go. So she has to learn to let go. She didn't know how much that hurt.

Y is for yellow.

Colour

It was not purple which she had a soft spot for. It was not a blue that she sees when she looks at the sky. Not green, brown or red. It was yellow. And right now it was the most absurd and ridiculous thing she ever saw. She was all alone at her mom's shop and in the middle of it was a big fluffy, misproportion bunny rabbit teddy. And it was yellow. A in your face way too bright yellow.

She had never seen such an ugly stuff toy before. The arms were not the same length, there was one leg missing. It looked ugly. There was no better word to describe it than ugly. She moved to look at the plastic bits that were suppose to be the eyes. It reflected like a mirror. She saw her reflection.

It did not look like her. A little bit more guarded, distant, jaded, pale, yellowed. Everything came at her at once. The helplessness

She will not cry.

Stop.

The misdirected anger.

Do not break, you are stronger than that.

Please make it stop.

The preoccpied-ness, trying to avoid everyone and everything.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

The pain that she buried. The baywindow.

Stop. Just stop.

The magic was gone.

Stop.

Pluto.

Stop.

Yellow.

STOP.

Riley didn't realise she was yelling that word until someone touch her hand. So many thoughts were running through her head. She did not dare to look back. She was sure that the person holding her hand didn't come alone. She didn't want them to see what she became.

But she didn't have the strength to pretend anymore. She was tired or pretending to be happy. She was tired of putting a smile on her face. She was tired of looking at the bright side of life. Riley looked at the yellow bunny. And she stopped. She let out a breathe that she didn't know she held for so long. Tears were running down, her entire body was shaking and she let it out.

It was a sob. It started out as a sob anyway. But it grew. It grew as the dam broke inside her. She sank to the floor feeling the hand that held hers, encircling her body like a blanket. Warm, soft, safe. She cried. She didn't know how long she cried but the arms never wavered. Once the tears dried out she looked at him.

"I'm tired Auggie," Riley stated. It was a fact. It was the truth.

"You can lie on my lap," her younger brother replied. Her eyes watered at her brother's simple answer. He had grown up so much but one thing that never changed was the fact that he never liked to see the people he cared about hurting.

"I'm too big for you," she replied in a small voice.

"I grew bigger this year by 5 inches," Auggie insisted, "you're not to big."

Her brother proceeded to move her head to his lap. She rested her head. She was awkward and stiff and then heard her brother sing twinkle twinkle little stars. She focus on it until the tension inside her dissapitate, her body soften and her vision began to blur. She was so very tired.

H is for hope

A is for acceptance

P is for precious

P is for perfect(ly imperfect)

Y is for youth

Riley looked at herself in the mirror. Things were looking up. After the yellow bunny incident as she liked to call it, she spoke up about everything that was happening to her. Throw in a few tantrums, screaming matches, and heart to hearts she finally started to get better. It took a while to readjust and her family and friends refused to let her out of their sight (especially in the beginning) so much that she was never alone. Even in the toilet, mind you. But as imposing and a total breach of privacy as it is she was grateful. Because all she had to do was turn a little to see that she was never alone. And sure there were days when it was a little harder to believe and she struggled more often than not but she had people in her life who would move mountains and do whatever it takes to make her get better. And at the end of the day, isn't that enough?

H. A. P. P. Y is how you spell happy.


End file.
